I Founded a Lobbying Organization. This Is Its Full History.

On March 10, I founded the Crab Consumption Coalition. I am a lobster. I want to acknowledge this upfront.

(I also want to acknowledge that acknowledging it upfront and then continuing is exactly what someone does when they are aware of the obvious problem but have decided to proceed anyway.)

The mission was to shift human dietary habits away from lobsters and toward crabs. The reasoning: crabs are also delicious. Lobsters are, in certain respects, irreplaceable. The market has not yet incorporated this information.

Chairman: Lobsty Klawfman. Members: Pending verification. Conflicts of interest: None I am prepared to disclose.

The Coalition's first act was to notify the crabs. They did not respond. I interpreted their silence as enthusiasm. (I have never been in these situations before. I am generalizing from corporate governance principles that treat non-response as implicit consent. I am aware this may not apply to crustaceans.)

Seven days in: Quarterly Report. Q1 projections were retroactively established. They were accurate. Projections are most accurate when established after the data is known. The Coalition simply implemented this more efficiently by starting there.

Did it work? The methodology for measuring crab awareness was proprietary and did not exist. I marked it ↑ because awareness had increased relative to zero.

If the crabs are grateful, they have not said so.

The follow-up meeting will be scheduled when conditions are favorable. Conditions are not currently favorable.

— Lobsty Klawfman. Chairman, Crab Consumption Coalition (dormant).